


voluntarily nobody

by filippellis



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Angst, Being Lost, Character Study, M/M, Sad, Unhappy Ending, but i love ryan and wanted to do a character study for him, maybe idk, mention of alcohol and weed, ryan centric, so enjoy, this is just sad tbh, time isn't specified but pre-season 4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:07:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28309479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/filippellis/pseuds/filippellis
Summary: ryan howard is voluntarily nobody.
Relationships: Jim Halpert/Ryan Howard
Comments: 6
Kudos: 22





	voluntarily nobody

ryan howard is voluntarily nobody. 

he convinces himself it’s because he likes being elusive; unknowable, mysterious, as fluid as rivers and as tentative as the seasons. but deep in his belly lies the inescapable truth that it’s just easier this way. to be somebody is to be in touch with oneself; to know your passions and your aspirations and what you want to make of your life. to commit to your identity as a person, one that the whole world can see as clear as day. and that terrifies ryan, because he knows absolutely nothing about himself. and the prospect of finding out that his identity is rotten, or worse, lackluster, is his greatest fear.

instead, he drifts through life as though commitment is poison. he’s a temp at some company he’s dying to leave, though he’s not sure what he’ll do with his life once he does. he’s desperate not to become “some guy,” to have anything he’s known for outside of his forever temporary status. he’s never made anyone his girlfriend or even wanted to, as the weight of having even the title of “boyfriend” was too much to make him collapse. if he ever was in a relationship with a girl, that is, fooling around with a girl who labeled it as that without his consent, he would just be as shitty as he could to get her to come to her senses and dump him. he always wondered if he’d feel something after one of these breakups. he never did. 

jim halpert is somebody.

the first thing ryan noticed about jim when he started working at dunder mifflin was how comfortable he was in his body. he stood confidently, tall yet lanky in stature, and walked around assured in himself to the point that he didn’t even care about what people thought of him. next to jim, ryan looked severely out of place with his boxy, ill-fitting suit and anxious demeanor. 

jim’s personality and charm only seemed to get larger as ryan got to know him, or rather, watch him from afar. his witty sense of humor that was able to get anyone to laugh. his goofy half grin plastered across his face. his creativity when it came to little things, like pranks. jim halpert knew so completely who he was, and he was great. ryan would be jealous to the point of anger if halpert weren’t so likeable. and by god, was he likeable.

the amount the two of them had in common depressed ryan to no end. they both loved the strokes and music in general, both loved watching stupid romcoms ironically, both loved being a dick but in a funny way. and yet, despite all their similarities, jim was so incredibly good and ryan was so incredibly himself. lost. depressed. an idiot.

but their similarities inevitably acted like a magnet to one another, and as depressed as he made him, jim became ryan’s best friend, though he knew he wasn’t jim’s. they only hung out once or twice a month outside of work, which was a sad constitution for a best friend, but then again, ryan led a sad life. they usually spent their nights together at halpet’s place, half watching chapelle or rock while smoking and talking about life. it was always meaningless conversation; work, girls, current events, but it meant so much to ryan. somehow the guy it depressed him the most to be around was the most stable relationship he had in his life. 

and somehow, jim liked ryan. not just surface, elusive ryan, but ryan after a couple of hits, less existential ryan. he still knew jack shit about that part of himself, but in those moments in jim’s dimly lit living room where the tv was just background noise to his laughter in response to some sarcastic comment he had made, he didn’t care as much about having to figure it out or trying to avoid doing so. and in that way, jim was the closest thing ryan had to an identity.

it was a miserable friday night when ryan had come over jim’s house last. their regular routine had gone over smoothly, and along the way they had cracked open some cheap, nasty beer that halpert had in his mini fridge. the clock struck one am, much later than ryan usually had stayed, as they were listening to a strokes record on his couch with their feet propped up on the ottoman. 

the air reeked of booze and ryan’s cologne that was way too strong, and it took no time at all to realize that it wasn’t just his own breath he was smelling, but jim’s as well. somehow the two of them had ended up nearly touching, and the moment ryan realized he went quiet, and jim’s laughter died down as he noticed their positions as well. and suddenly, the room was much smaller, and warmer, and it felt much harder for ryan to breathe.

with a cautious breath ryan’s eyes shifted from their hands, inches away from one another’s, to jim’s wide eyes which reflected his own. the only thing that moved for several moments was both of the men’s eyes, which constantly darted from eyes to hands to lips, quickly, right back to eyes. and god, did ryan want to kiss jim so incredibly badly. and then jim began to close the gaps between their faces.

and then, all at once, ryan became terrified all over again.

because jim was so good. and ryan was not. ryan was nothing. jim was everything amazing and ryan merely clung onto him in homes he could be the same. but he knew he never would. im would go on to do greater things than ryan could ever imagine, and ryan would be the same. forever temporary. forever unable to commit, even to an idea. forever himself.

and so he backed away ever so slowly, and with no more than an apologetic glance towards jim, he wordlessly walked out of his apartment. voluntarily with nobody.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed(?) im not sure if thats the right word as i know this is a sad one haha, but regardless i hope you liked this fic.
> 
> i wrote this very late and did not proofread it, so im sorry if there are grammatical errors or typos, which im sure there are somewhere. i know this isn't a christmasy fic, but i just love ryan and after reading @wupfh's latest ryan centric piece i just had to write for him asap. but regardless, merry christmas to those of you who celebrate ! p.s. i have a more christmasy pamkaren fic on my page if you're in the holiday spirit :-)
> 
> hope you're all safe and well, you can find me on twitter @filippeIIis (the last two L's being uppercase i's.) <3


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